COUNCIL APPLICATION FOR REGISTRATION OF DOG
BREED: Cattle dog cross SEX: Ex male
COLOUR: Blood red with tread marks
PRESENT OWNER: God
WHERE KENELLED: Under the big house up there
DO YOU APPLY FOR CANCELLATION OF REGISTRATION FEE: Yes
GIVE REASON: Dog is very dead
So Lo Lo and me buried him under the banana tree over the back fence. Old ladies keened in the streets. Inconsolable children wept copiously. Shopkeepers looked grave and shook their heads. In the ROSE hardened men stared moodily into their schooners. In a burst of emotion one even ordered a 'Light'. Later saying, "it was just a mistake."
At DOG'S funeral party twenty dogs of many shapes, sizes and mixtures and sex (or lack of it) gambolled together as fluffy lambs do in a painting of the Virgin ... happy no doubt that DOG wasn't there to stuff things up.
And a dozen or so owners of this mongrel crew (apart from the retriever LADY who DOG was going steady with at the time of his demise as she had a written pedigree and HE was aiming upmarket just then) got pissed and stoned and ended up fighting each other. When it was all sorted out and we kissed and made up realising it was all a silly mistake, we all swore on a sacred copy of CAPITAL that we would, if the Council knocked back a road hump after the tragic death of THE SMARTEST DOG IN THE VILLAGE, man and woman the barricades, throw ourselves in front of the bastards to be run over in the time honoured way of the distant seventies, hurl half - housebricks through their windscreens and carry out other eserotic, erotic and even esoratic suggestions.
Sad to say we ground into the local Council Elections and Vic Smith our lord mayor sent a letter saying that after a thorough investigation it was decided to give the through traffic mob another six months chance to hang a few scalps before thinking again. Onyer Vic. They might even collect a BIG ONE. So there the matter rests as a Brisbane judge once said to me after suggesting a few weeks in Bogga Road might enhance one's manners.
Apart from the appended letter that is.
ERSKINEVILLE
To our esteemed lord mayor vic smith.
Dear Vic.
You will see from the attached returned document that your decision not to build a speed hump in George St. did not do DOG any good at all. A week after we wrote asking for a hump at the childrens' playground to lengthen the life expectancy of our kids the notorious DOG was skittled, crunched and otherwise forced to join the three cats of the last three months who, like DOG, were stupid enough to get in the way of a car doing 75 KPH in the 40 KPH zone. (We hope the toddlers who have just moved into the Commission units opposite get to be more than four or five).
We note your communications and discussions with our local constabulary have led to an analysis that the average speed here is of the order of 38 to 42 KPH. Therefore no problem. Maybe it is churlish of us to point out that 20 vehicles at 30 KPH and 2 at 80 KPH produce an average of about 35 KPH. Guess who knocked off DOG.
To digress. Congratulations on your reelection. Also that of your alderpersons, all of whom were not out of the public gaze entirely recently. All of whom (or so it seemed) we discussed the above problem with. All of whom were gracious enough to agree with our point of view at the time. However time and blowflies.
Would it be possible to get a breakdown of the costs involved in your efforts so far an our behalf. Eg., Police surveys, Council surveys, computer time, printing, wages of all concerned etc. How does this compare with the actual cost of building a hump? Then again, forget it. We do not wish to waste the Councils time/money.
Instead of waiting a further six months for the first human casualty (there's as many kids as four-legged morons) as you suggest for a further trial period, maybe you could send round one of your august staff to discuss this matter further - any of us near the playground would do.
Excuse any typing errors as the hands are still shaking after yet another altercation with a frustrated Stirling Moss come Ayrton Senna. You will realise that this is a serious matter and not to be dealt with in a facetious tone.
Love to all at the office.
BREED: Cattle dog cross SEX: Ex male
COLOUR: Blood red with tread marks
PRESENT OWNER: God
WHERE KENELLED: Under the big house up there
DO YOU APPLY FOR CANCELLATION OF REGISTRATION FEE: Yes
GIVE REASON: Dog is very dead
So Lo Lo and me buried him under the banana tree over the back fence. Old ladies keened in the streets. Inconsolable children wept copiously. Shopkeepers looked grave and shook their heads. In the ROSE hardened men stared moodily into their schooners. In a burst of emotion one even ordered a 'Light'. Later saying, "it was just a mistake."
At DOG'S funeral party twenty dogs of many shapes, sizes and mixtures and sex (or lack of it) gambolled together as fluffy lambs do in a painting of the Virgin ... happy no doubt that DOG wasn't there to stuff things up.
And a dozen or so owners of this mongrel crew (apart from the retriever LADY who DOG was going steady with at the time of his demise as she had a written pedigree and HE was aiming upmarket just then) got pissed and stoned and ended up fighting each other. When it was all sorted out and we kissed and made up realising it was all a silly mistake, we all swore on a sacred copy of CAPITAL that we would, if the Council knocked back a road hump after the tragic death of THE SMARTEST DOG IN THE VILLAGE, man and woman the barricades, throw ourselves in front of the bastards to be run over in the time honoured way of the distant seventies, hurl half - housebricks through their windscreens and carry out other eserotic, erotic and even esoratic suggestions.
Sad to say we ground into the local Council Elections and Vic Smith our lord mayor sent a letter saying that after a thorough investigation it was decided to give the through traffic mob another six months chance to hang a few scalps before thinking again. Onyer Vic. They might even collect a BIG ONE. So there the matter rests as a Brisbane judge once said to me after suggesting a few weeks in Bogga Road might enhance one's manners.
Apart from the appended letter that is.
ERSKINEVILLE
To our esteemed lord mayor vic smith.
Dear Vic.
You will see from the attached returned document that your decision not to build a speed hump in George St. did not do DOG any good at all. A week after we wrote asking for a hump at the childrens' playground to lengthen the life expectancy of our kids the notorious DOG was skittled, crunched and otherwise forced to join the three cats of the last three months who, like DOG, were stupid enough to get in the way of a car doing 75 KPH in the 40 KPH zone. (We hope the toddlers who have just moved into the Commission units opposite get to be more than four or five).
We note your communications and discussions with our local constabulary have led to an analysis that the average speed here is of the order of 38 to 42 KPH. Therefore no problem. Maybe it is churlish of us to point out that 20 vehicles at 30 KPH and 2 at 80 KPH produce an average of about 35 KPH. Guess who knocked off DOG.
To digress. Congratulations on your reelection. Also that of your alderpersons, all of whom were not out of the public gaze entirely recently. All of whom (or so it seemed) we discussed the above problem with. All of whom were gracious enough to agree with our point of view at the time. However time and blowflies.
Would it be possible to get a breakdown of the costs involved in your efforts so far an our behalf. Eg., Police surveys, Council surveys, computer time, printing, wages of all concerned etc. How does this compare with the actual cost of building a hump? Then again, forget it. We do not wish to waste the Councils time/money.
Instead of waiting a further six months for the first human casualty (there's as many kids as four-legged morons) as you suggest for a further trial period, maybe you could send round one of your august staff to discuss this matter further - any of us near the playground would do.
Excuse any typing errors as the hands are still shaking after yet another altercation with a frustrated Stirling Moss come Ayrton Senna. You will realise that this is a serious matter and not to be dealt with in a facetious tone.
Love to all at the office.
